Writers – What Not To Say

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Top Tip: You can do a practice run with some old teddy bears

When you write books, people are gonna want to ask you stuff.  It is very important that you LIE when answering these questions.  Lie through your teeth and don’t ever let them find out the truth.  As a helpful resource, I’ve put together a mock interview, a mockterview if you will, to guide you through  it.

 

 

 

  • Do you have a writing routine?

Yes. I like to see how long I can spend not writing before the guilt kicks in.  Then I simply distract myself with the kind of housework I wouldn’t normally do if my life depended on it… like cleaning the oven, descaling the kettle, washing my make-up brushes or, worst of all, clearing out THE DRAWER OF NO RETURN.

 

  • Where do you get your ideas from?

Right at the back of THE DRAWER OF NO RETURN.

 

  • So can you tell us what your new book is about?

Oh.  Holy.  Jesus.

 

  • What’s your favourite part about writing?

The ‘not writing’ part.

 

  • What do you tend to wear when writing?

Um, Chanel No.5? And the elasticated pants I’ve been threatening to throw out for two years.

 

  • Who are your favourite authors?

Woah, hey,  I’m not here to promote other peoples’ work!

 

  • How do you handle bad reviews?

Very well actually.  I’m a big believer in karma.  But just in case karma is busy, I simply fashion a home-made punching bag with the offender’s avatar taped on the front and take care of business myself.

 

  • What can readers expect from you in the future?

Bitter disappointment?  Long periods of idleness?  It’s hard to say.

 

 

  • Did you always want to be a writer?

Yes, but then I’d never written anything, so I didn’t know any better.  Reading books and thinking you want to be a writer is like watching the winter olympics and thinking you want to be an ice-skater… Then you realise how unbelievably slippy ice is!  (It’s like, really slippy).

 

  • Any advice for budding authors?

Yes. RUN!

So You Want To Be A Writer…

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I sometimes wonder what kind of advice would have helped me five years ago, before publishing my first book.  Or if I would have heeded any of it.  With that in mind, here’s a little checklist for anyone starting out on their writing journey…

  1. Get a good chair.

    I have done my best to ignore this advice over the years and on the plus side, I now have personal experience of the adage ‘buy cheap, buy twice.’  You will be spending quite a lot of time in your chair, so try to invest a decent amount in it.  Having said that (cue adage number two) ‘sitting is the new smoking’.  So the current wisdom is to have a standing desk, or better yet, switch between the two.  Just try not to sit in the same spot for hours on end wasting time on social media  writing your book.

  2. It won’t happen overnight.

    We’d all like it to happen overnight, but chances are, it won’t.  Even if it looks like authors are coming from out of nowhere with huge success, just Google them.  You’ll see it’s probably their third book, or their first book after years of rejections and unpublished books.  The same goes for writing income.  It can take years to start seeing any kind of decent return on your books and it definitely takes more than one book to build a ‘brand’.  Remember, people are buying into you, the writer, as much as they are your book.  You’ve got to show them that you’re going to stick around, that this is your thing.  I know it’s frustrating when you see other people signing deals, but be patient, your time will come.  Really.

  3. Rejection is the stone on which you will sharpen your skills.

    Rejection tells you, in no uncertain terms, you have more work to do.  It doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, but it might mean you’re not good enough yet.  Boy am I glad my first book got rejected.  There was a lot of good things in that novel, but in terms of my skills as a writer, it was unquestionably beginners level.  I learned so much from writing it and I learned even more from all of the rejections it garnered.  Rejection tells you whether or not you really want to become a writer, if you really have the commitment it takes to get better at it.  For a while, I thought I didn’t.  But the urge wouldn’t leave until I started a second novel (The Heirloom).  And when that didn’t get published, I published it myself.  It’s now in the top 20 bestseller list on Amazon US.

  4. Keep your eyes peeled.

    Everybody can list off the big publishing houses, but for new authors, it behooves you to become acquainted with the smaller publishers, the indies and digital imprints.  They are the ones who are better placed to take chances on new authors.  Off the top of my head, I can think of several writers who are getting deals right now with publishers like Bloodhound Books, Bookouture, Black and White, Orenda and of course my own publisher, Urbane.  It’s an exciting time in publishing with new platforms popping up all the time, like the crowdfunding publisher Unbound.  Keep in touch with the writing community online so you’ll be ready for opportunities when they come along.  Sometimes it’s all about luck, being in the right place at the right time (with the right book!).

  5. Write what you love.

    It can take a year or more to write a novel, so it may as well be a subject you are passionate about.   The research alone makes this worthwhile – I can’t imagine spending months reading up on a subject I’m not that interested in.  You will be sharing your life with this story for quite some time, so make it about something you LOVE!  Find your own voice and be authentic – you don’t need to imitate what’s already out there, create something new and original.

  6. There is more than one road to getting published.

    For some it’s self-publishing, for some it’s finding an agent, for others a traditional publisher.  There are authors who credit their creative writing groups and MA’s for their success, still more who claim that writing courses merely delay the inevitable – actually writing the book.  Everyone is different – I’m more of a lone wolf and that’s what suits me.  We’re all susceptible to looking at what everyone else is doing and wondering if what we’re doing is right, but I don’t think there is a right or a wrong, just different choices.  Find what works for you.  Just keep writing, don’t compromise and remember, if you don’t tell this story, no-one else will.

So here I am, 2018 with my third novel due for release in June.  Even typing those words is a bit surreal.  I had no clue what I was getting into all those years ago and maybe it was just as well.  Like most journeys in life, I think you need a healthy amount of blind faith starting out.  And a stubborn refusal to give up.  So that’s what I would tell my past self – keep being stubborn and don’t give up.  And don’t buy that crap chair.

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The Story Collector

Available to pre-order on Amazon